Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Fitness, transformation and weight loss is a series of firsts. It’s a beautiful medley of trying new things, achieving new things and seeing the first glimmer of changes and results.

That first decision to change your life is the most powerful and it leads to many more. First kg’s lost, first set of smaller clothes, first set of goals achieved, of medals, of results and of seeing real change. It’s the first attempts at new ways of eating, of figuring out what works for you, it’s trying new recipes, and if you’re unlucky it includes a soup diet or Kale and Hemp Seed Shakes. It’s a series of figuring out what you’re made of, of challenging your limits and proving to yourself that you can go further than your mind believes. First squats, first push-ups, first lunges and first burpees (all things we love to hate, except burpees, we straight up hate burpees).

Don’t for a second think the firsts end there. There are first days back at the gym, first time you pick a portion of your weight back up, first time you get back on your nutrition plan. First time you injure yourself and need to take some time out, followed by your first workout back which feels a lot like your first workout ever. First time you give up, and have to start again.

These etchings of your time and space in your journey mark the path you have chosen. Be it your first Yoga session, first obstacle race or first shin scrape from a box jump turned face plant. For me there have been a lot of firsts, repeats, and start overs…

So here’s the deal, and here is what no one tells you. Motivation doesn’t remain constant. Consistency is for a very dedicated super human few. Inspiration is for the f*cking birds. You need to ride this bitch like a rodeo champion because the ups and downs are real and you need to hold on until this heifer comes to a halt.

In my series of epic results and failures there have been many days “back on the wagon” a term that I loathe, but it’s a reality that anyone who has been doing this as long as I have will know all too well. Three really long years of eating spinach, chicken, mushrooms, eggs and avo - so pardon me if I cannot comprehend another day of it; even if it’s what’s standing between me and my goals. Three years of overloading my adrenal glands by not balancing my career, training, businesses and sleep. Three years of trying to run but realising I probably give up too quickly. Three years of measuring success by the scale, and getting two middle fingers for half of that time. The reality is I was okay with being strong instead of skinny for a very long time, genuinely okay, but lately something has just broken. Something seems like it can’t be fixed. Something is wondering what the point is…

I am struggling and I will admit this. I have picked up weight. I have lost focus and frankly I am down – but thankfully I am not out. I have noticed a little eating disorder tendency appearing. I have stumbled. I have cried driving past my beloved Box because I actually just cannot face it right now. I have cringed at the site of myself. I have lost hope of attaining goals, and that right there has broken me.

So truly I sit here baring all in the hope that I find the answer to what the actual F is going on with me and how I will fix it. I have had epic success in training, in nutrition, and in races lately, but unfortunately not all at the same time. Despite the magical mojo moments, it hasn’t been enough to carry me through and back onto the path to glory. I feel like the only thing that will remedy this is a slap and a Tequila… or ten… of each…

I remember the days of me being a source of inspiration, and coaching people through the tough times. The days I was nothing short of a solid badass who owned her space. The days of saying things that my current headspace can just chunder at, because back then I never knew what this space felt like, how real and dark it actually gets. I can honestly just sob when I think of how far off track I feel I am. In reality I probably am not, but this feels unimaginable.

So I go back to the beginning, with a new series of firsts.

First day back on track. First day back in training. First kg lost (may the forces of the great
Spaghetti monster be with me on this one). First PB after a stumble. First time back in my skinny pants. First time being happy with the person gazing back at me in the mirror. First time really valuing my body again, and appreciating all the ridiculous shit it can do despite the pressure I put it under to perform. First day back to eating for my goals without the pressure, and really just listening to my body. First day of acknowledging that I have screwed up, but that all is not lost. I am going to slow clap myself back up and make the magic I am struggling to find.

In all honesty, I love eating whole real foods. I love training to the point of swearing. I love crushing new obstacles. I love wearing smaller clothes. I love watching my ass get hotter. I love loving who I see in the mirror. I love being a badass and powerhouse who doesn’t know where the limit is. And for the above reasons, I will not quit.

So I’m going to go and find some Tiger Blood ahead of my first day back at the Box, or say a dozen prayers to the saints, or both… Before I do though, I’m going to leave you with this – may it be the motivation and reminders you need if you are remotely in the same space as me!


1.      START NOW by recommitting today

2.      DRINK WATER like it’s your job

3.      PLAN each meal

4.      EAT don’t make up for overeating by NOT eating

5.      REVISIT your food journal and repeat a good week

6.      REMIND yourself how far you’ve come

7.      MOVE get your sweat on

8.      DON’T let a bad week turn into a bad month

9.      VEGETABLES are your friends

10.  REPEAT this tomorrow


Action Barbie

By Michelle “Action Barbie” Pearl, member at CrossFit 360Vida

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